She's baaaaaack!!!

Well, well, well.... look what the smelly cat dragged in, a fatty that can't fit her pants anymore.

Yay to be back!

I got knocked up and vomited my WHOLE first trimester, hence the no show.

They should teach you that in Puberty class I reckon... that'd scare the kids straight.

No joke, I am at a weird in-between twilight zone space at the moment... nothing I own fits cause they're all too small, and none of my new maternity clothes fit cause they're all too big! Hello!! Can't someone please cut me some slack and just pretend to believe me when I say my jeans shrunk in the wash??

Speaking of which... lets briefly talk about Dan's pocket knife. It's a cute little thing, small enough to fit in the front pocket of his overalls without being too bulky, nifty enough to fit into the little screw to tighten the legs on my sunglasses, sharp enough to help out while assisting a Cow in Calf. Needless to say it's a very versatile tool, used for anything from opening an envelope, to cutting twine, to slicing an apple or even for cutting your pregnant wife out of a dress.

*Blink*

Not just any dress mind you. My favourite reeeeeally expensive cocktail dress. I'm one of those girls that knows what I like and what I don't like, eg. I don't like following the latest trends, I like individuality as much as I like the classics. And this dress was a Hepburn classic

*Blink*Blink*

We were off to a Cocktail party one Saturday night.

I was completely freaked out cause I had nothing that fit over my baby gut.

I got hit with the great idea to stuff myself into my favourite Hepburn dress.

I sucked the baby into my spine and got the hardest part hooked up, the eyehook at the top. Yuss!!

I then made my husband stop mowing the lawns.

He had to assist me in zipping it up the rest of the way as I was determined not to take my flesh getting caught in the zip as a warning.

After about ten minutes of sweating and panting and looking the eye of the Tiger square in it's... .. well, eye... we got the zip closed.

I was okay with feeling a little light headed and not being able to take in a full breath, cause being four and a half months pregnant could not stop me from looking fabulous for just ONE NIGHT... right? RIGHT!?

I was all made up and ready to go.

Bent to put my heel on when the zip completely popped.

I felt my lungs and skin suck in the relief.

I cried as if someone died, which then turned into wailing when I couldn't get the eye hook undone.

Dan appeared out of nowhere with his pocket knife in tow and shot me a look as if to say "Me Tarzan, you Jane, me throw you over my shoulder and we swing on vine off into sunset".

He saved my life and sliced the side of the dress open.

I was then so fed up I ripped the dress completely off down the side.

I regretted that decision immediately.

Laughing or crying were my only options.

Since I'd already cried and didn't want to ruin my makeup, I chose to laugh. Dan joined and reminded me I'm carrying a baby so of course things don't fit.

The scary aftermath:

Sorry Enrique Iglasias, but Dan can be my hero baby... and you should really stop singing that song anyway.

Well besides all that, I'm loving being pregnant. I love the little kicks I'm getting and that I finally have something to show for all these weeks of being energy robbed.

Let me tell YOU though... being Pregnant has NOT got me any special treatment whatsoever!

FOR INSTANCE

My Mum made a surprise visit from Australia and was booked into one of the Motels in town as she was planning to spend one day here and the rest in Auckland with the rest of our family. Deciding to stay with her we shared a room.

I grabbed the single bed and left her to the double bed.

There was a single bed and couch in the lounge that my two Aunties claimed.

So we were all sorted and ended up watching Sky in bed. Nice.

I drifted off into a beautiful and comfortable sleep with my pillow from home when I was abruptly awoken at around 2am by what sounded like Rhinoes being hunted and screaming in pain. Looking around I found there were no Rhinoes, only three 50 year old menopausal women snoring the night away. I closed the door to the lounge to faint the sound of both my Aunties going to town so I only had to deal with Mum.

I tried putting my fingers in my ears, I tried Mr Beans sock trick only it worked for him and completely did nothing for me, I even tried putting my pillow over my head risking death from suffocation.

Nothing was sufficient.

I woke Mum five times in five minutes to tell her she was snoring.

She apologised each time at least.

She tried to blame it on my Aunties and then tried to blame it on me!!!... ME!!!

I wished at that moment the Cops had a special division that deals with notorious snorers that have little to none respect for others, cause I woulda been all over that.

"Mum, I am WIDE AWAKE, I know the sound of snoring people in the next room as much as I know the sound of someone snoring right next to me. YOU WERE SNORING!".

She apologised again.

Drifted off.

Retreated to snoring her little head off.

I contemplated sleeping in the car, but since it wasn't mine and my Hubby had deserted me earlier on in the night, I settled for the only other option:

Yes Sir, that is the cold tiled Bathroom floor.

Since I don't really know how to end this entry, I'm going to tell you that I really need to go do my daily exercises when really all I'm going to do is sit on the couch, eat Icecream and give Dan the beats at Snowboarding on PS2.

Woo!